Sponsor and sponsee / Getty Images
Before I became a member of a 12 Step group over 30 years ago, when I heard someone say “Sponsor,” I would think of the different companies that sponsor programs and advertise in magazines and newspapers. Since becoming a member of a 12 Step group, my ideas about sponsorship have dramatically changed. These days, I see sponsors as people who are a very important part of recovery. I would like to share my reflections on this core aspect of recovery in this article. And don’t forget about those sponsors we see all over the media these days. I think they do provide an aspect of recovery sponsorship.
I am a firm believer in the adage that addiction flourishes in isolation and disconnection, while recovery flourishes in community where there are connections. This is where I see the importance of sponsorship. Having a sponsor – someone who walks with us in recovery – is a most valuable part of recovery. I have had different sponsors over the years who I have been in recovery with, and I have also sponsored a number of people. I also see sponsorship as one way to practice Step 12 – sharing the message with others in recovery.
Now. Returning to where I began this article with companies sponsoring programs and advertising in magazines and newspapers. I see the relationship between the sponsor and the people producing a show or a magazine as really a 2-way street. It works to the advantage of both! The sponsor gains recognition for their company, and the individuals and groups producing the product gain the revenue to do their creative work. This aspect of sponsorship being a 2-way street also is part of recovery sponsorship. Both sponsor and sponsee (the name given to the one being sponsored) gain from the relationship. I think this is important because I don’t see the sponsor as some sort of expert in recovery. Rather, she or he is working their program of recovery and are willing to be supportive of others in recovery. I see the sponsor and the sponsee gaining from this relationship as they walk together in recovery.
I love to play with images while talking about important issues like sponsorship. The image or picture that came to me for sponsorship was a mirror. We often look into a mirror to see how we look before leaving the house. I see the sponsor as being like a mirror for the sponsee. The sponsee can begin to see how they are doing by speaking with their sponsor, as well as what changes they might want to make to be where they want to be in their recovery. I would now like to explore four ways in which I see the sponsor being able to be a mirror for a sponsee.
First, the sponsor can often be very helpful – especially to someone new to recovery – in reminding the sponsee that no one in recovery is perfect. This also includes the sponsor! When appropriate, the sponsor can share their struggles with the sponsee. From my experience, this can be very helpful as sponsees begin to deal with the shame they carry as a result of their addictive behaviors over the years, and how they have hurt others and themselves. I see the sponsor as a reminder as a very important part of being a sponsor, especially when the sponsee is beating themselves up for what they did.
Second, another way to be a mirror to the sponsee is by affirming the good work the sponsee is doing. Sponsees often lack an ability to gauge where they are in their recovery, and it is very important that they are affirmed in the recovery work that they are doing. Affirming is a very important means to help the sponsee begin to let go of some of the negativity they have built up toward themselves.
Third, at times, the sponsor as a mirror can challenge the sponsee to make changes in their lives. For example, if the sponsee seems to be continually in situations where they are triggered to act out, the sponsor can challenge the sponsee to make changes and not continue to be in those situations. This is the benefit of another person who listens to us and sees things that we are missing, and they can make suggestions for changes. One of the practices that I learned in training to be a life coach has been helpful here. Simply ask a person – like a sponsee – if they are open to some feedback. If they say “Yes,” I can begin to share; if they say “No,” I have learned to keep my mouth shut. This practice gives the sponsee a chance to say “Yay” or “Nay” and can keep the relationship on a more equal footing.
Fourth, the sponsor can be an accountability person to the sponsee as she or he seeks to make changes in their lives. The sponsor can ask – without being judgmental – how something is going that the sponsee said they wanted to do. I believe accountability is a very important aspect of recovery and is a way to stay connected with another as we seek to make changes.
I would imagine you have come to see how important I believe sponsorship to be in recovery. As I check in with my sponsor on a regular basis, this keeps me on track in my recovery and enables me to be accountable to someone. I also see sponsorship as a very helpful companion to any recovery group to which we belong. The sponsorship relationship presents more opportunities for sharing and for feedback than a weekly group meeting. As I said, I see the sponsor as a mirror in giving the sponsee affirmations, challenges and accountability. And lastly, speaking of sponsors, I am reminded of that ol’ American Express ad, “Don’t leave home without it!” I conclude this article simply by saying, “Don’t leave home without ONE!”
Mark Scannell is an avid 12 Stepper and has been working the 12 Steps for over 30 years. His latest book, Affirming & Nurturing: A New Look at 12 Steps, gives a new look at the Steps that includes more positivity. He can be reached through gasscann@bitstream.net.
