Photo by Getty Images
Many, many years ago, the English poet, Alexander Pope, wrote lines that have become classic: “To err is human, to forgive is divine.” What comes to me in this is that being a human being involves making mistakes, hurting others and ourselves, and accepting that we are imperfect. He also indicates that the ability to forgive requires the ability to rise above resentments, grudges and anger. Pope sees forgiving as our need to an almost God-like quality to forgive, rising above what is often the normal flow of human life. In hearing Pope talk about needing an almost God-like or divine ability to forgive, I hear the call in the 12 Step language to our Higher Powers to help us to forgive. More on this later in this article as I reflect on the importance of forgiveness for everyone and especially for those of us in recovery. I want to touch upon forgiving others who have hurt us, being open to receiving the forgiveness of others for what they did to us and–most importantly–being able to forgive ourselves for what we have done to hurt others and ourselves. As I often do, I will use the 12 Steps as a guide for this.
Steps 8 and 9: The Heart of Forgiveness
Step 8 of the 12 Steps speaks of making a list of people we have harmed and becoming willing to make amends to them. I also think we need to make another list of people who have supported and helped us, as well as people we have supported. I believe there is a need in recovery to balance our mistakes with the good we have also done. I also see in acknowledging the good we have done, we are given a way to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we have made. Seeing ourselves as loveable can help us release some of the shame we feel about ourselves.
Step 9 speaks of making direct amends to the people we have harmed when possible, avoiding additional harm to others and ourselves. Making an amend is one way to seek and express forgiveness for what we did. I also believe we need to directly thank people who have helped and supported us in our lives–again, seeking to keep a balance.
Letting Go of Resentments
We can forgive others more easily than ourselves. Why is this so?So, Steps 8 and 9 invite us to extend an apology to people we have hurt, asking for forgiveness for what we did or didn’t do. Another side of this Step is also being willing to let go of our resentments and anger and forgive others who have harmed and hurt us. This is another aspect of forgiveness. There is an ol’ story that holding onto resentments is like sitting across from someone to whom we feel resentful, and drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Holding onto resentments is like drinking poison! Holding onto resentments keeps us stuck; it is like we are frozen! So, making amends is a way to apologize and ask for forgiveness. Letting go of resentments is a way to forgive others who have hurt us. Forgiving and being forgiven feels like turning a page and letting go of baggage that we have possibly carried for a long time. This provides freedom to move on in our lives.
Forgiving Ourselves
The last person I want to talk about in our forgiveness is often the most difficult person for us to forgive–OURSELVES! In my over thirty years of recovery, I have found myself and others continually owning the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. We can forgive others more easily than ourselves. Why is this so?
As I have struggled to understand this, I believe we hold ourselves to a higher standard for ourselves than others. I also believe we live in a very competitive society where we are all trying to succeed and be the best we can be and there is no room for mistakes and failures. I see our need to compete and try to win as its own kind of addiction. Another factor in struggling to forgive ourselves is the shame we carry for what we have done. Shame makes us want to disappear, hide, and not admit what we did. There is the classic distinction between guilt and shame. When we experience guilt, we are acknowledging we made a mistake. Shame, on the other hand, leads us to feel like we are the mistake. That can be very disempowering and can often prevent us from acknowledging our mistakes and how we have hurt others, and even ourselves.
How, then, to move toward forgiving ourselves? In my experience, I need people to accept me with my good qualities, as well as my mistakes and errors. This can happen in two ways. The first way is when I hear someone share the same mistake I made. This helps me feel a little less negative about myself. The other way is when I take the risk to share something I see as negative and others don’t run away but continue to be accepting of me. It is hard to be forgiving of ourselves if we are feeling isolated and alone, often continuing to go deeper into our disconnections. We need others to help us forgive ourselves!
Another obstacle toward self-forgiveness for me is my on-going wrestling with perfectionism. It is coming to grips with and accepting that I am an imperfect human being who–in the words of Alexander Pope–errs. What we are trying to do in forgiving ourselves is to find within us the ability to forgive ourselves. To do this, as I pointed out earlier, we need the help of our Higher Powers to support us and accept us as we are with our foibles and errors. This can help us move toward forgiving ourselves and letting go of the often heavy weights we have been carrying as we continue to punish ourselves for what we did.
So, clearly, I see forgiveness as an essential aspect of recovery; forgiving others, accepting the forgiveness of others, and–most especially–forgiving ourselves. I will conclude with a question for you to consider: What prevents you from forgiving yourself? What comes to you is something to work with as you move toward your next step in your recovery. I wish you well in forgiving and know many of us–—including myself—are in the same boat. We need each other to forgive!
Mark Scannell, an avid 12 Stepper, has been in recovery for over thirty years. He has written a number of books and articles on recovery. His latest book is taking a new look at the 12 Steps and including a more positive look. The book is Affirm and Nurture: A New Look at 12 Steps.
